Probably like you, grieving is not the first thing on your mind. It's not something you think about every day, like what should we have for dinner or what shall I wear today, grieving is something you certainly you don't plan for or study or go Web or channel surfing for. "Hey baby, do you want to go grieving tonight?", is something I'm sure is not heard in common conversation.
When my wife Sheila died, my first thoughts were, how do I go on?, how do I take care of my son?, what do I do now? Like many of you, I looked for advice from family, friends and the old reliable Internet. Some people who have not had to go through grieving would think that people advice is logical and using the Internet for advice quite silly bit when you are in a position of deep loss and are looking for quick answers to fill a deep, dark, void because someone you have loved for a long time has passed away, it seems the thing to do.
Oh yeah, I looked at the steps or phases of grieving on the Internet and tried using it as a checklist. I did the worst that I could ever do, I made the grieving process as impersonal as I could. My process became logical instead of loving.
I did not marry Sheila for logic, I married her out of love. I was very broken and wanted instant relief. Needless to say, for the first six weeks after her death, I struggled. After 6 days of bereavement leave, I went back to work, which really was the first good decision I had made since Sheila's death. I had done my duty as a husband, I had buried my wife and done everything a good "till death do us part"
husband should do. So why after six weeks was I still struggling? It's because my "new normal" (I really hate that term!!) meant I had to make the decisions without spousal help.
Finally, after six weeks, I said, "God, I can't do this any more." To which God said,"My son, I have been waiting for you, I have always been here." That's when my grieving stopped being logical and started to become loving and from being a process to being personal.
The first thing that God directed me to do was to get some counseling. God convinced me that talking out your thoughts and feelings to a "different set of eyes", other than my friends and family is a good idea. I prayed about God sending the "right one" and he sure did.
My counselor was(is) wonderful. She listened as I unloaded myself and cried many a tear. Finally at the end of the first session she said," You define what your grieving process is, you and only you. Whatever your feeling, whenever you feel it is fine. The only boundary is that if you have to medicate and drink yourself to feel better or if thoughts of harming myself came about, that's where the line had to be drawn."
I FELT ABSOLUTELY LIBERATED!! The chains had been broken and I could finally breathe. My grieving had become personal and my life would never be the same. I will always thank God for that moment until the day when I see him face to face.
More as this journey continues.....
Until next time,
Jerry
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