The Missing Person....
The holidays are here and if you are going through your 1st holiday season or your 20th without your loved one, the holidays are still not the same. I remember my first Thanksgiving in 2014 without my beloved Sheila, the empty chair, the empty and hopeless feelings of loneliness that you know won't be satisfied because your loved is no longer with you.
For those of you going through grieving at the holidays for the first time, you don't know how to feel, you don't what to think, you don't even know if you can enjoy the Holidays. I was mostly hurt and angry, I didn't want to be around my family who was having so much fun and me who was so lonely and miserable. "Thanks a lot , God.", I would say sarcastically. I was feeling sorry for myself and to me that was fine and it is perfectly OK.
I know there are people who bounce back quickly and are doing well the first holiday season without their loved one and I get that, but I was not one of them. In a season of joy I was mad at God and as far as I was concerned, justifiably so. My wife and my life, as I knew it, were gone. My joy was gone, My peace was gone. People kept asking me if I was ok and I would honestly tell them NO. The worst part was the feeling of loneliness. I believe that being alone is far worse than feeling lonely. At least when you feel alone, you can find friends and loved ones to take care of that feeling but when you are physically alone and there is nothing that can be done about it, that is even worse.
Then there was the worst gift ever, people telling me that there is a new normal and that I had to accept a "new normal". I do not and did not have to accept anything except the fact that my wife was dead and so was a big part of my life. That first Christmas was not the best either, my teenage son told me he hated his gifts and to send them back, now that really hurts. I was also dating at the time and to say that Christmas was awkward at her parent's house is an understatement. I wan't supposed to be here and I wanted to be with "my Sheila" but instead God put me with a wonderful group of people that I really didn't want to be with. Yes, it took me 4 paragraphs to say that that first Christmas stunk big time.
Christmas was always Sheila's favorite time of year. She always went shopping on Black Friday and the day after Christmas. She wanted to make sure that everyone important in her life had a gift no matter how big or small it was. Sheila was a giver and seeing people smile after she gave them something gave her the biggest and most satisfying joy. It also made me feel good inside.
I wanted the same feelings every Christmas but now that Sheila is gone those feelings are not the same. I miss her dearly and the only real physical connection to her is to visit her at the cemetery.
We always decorate the graves of her and her precious mom and dad every year for Christmas but it is still not the same.
This year, I still miss my wife Sheila dearly but I have a very understanding wife named Robin who is there for me no matter what. I am still longing for those precious Christmas people and memories but I am also making new ones as well. The only way that can happen is with God's love, mercy and grace. Robin's boys, Kellis and Jake have done a great job decorating the house and their excitement for the season has given me such a sweet feeling inside. I'm feeling the love for the past, present and future. Sheila would want me to be happy and I believe me, I am.
So this year my prayer is for all of you going through the missing loved one, empty chair and empty feelings that the death of a loved one brings, that God may fill you up with his love, grace, blessings and mercy, just as he has done for me.
Just Being Real,
Jerry
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
It's not a process...It's personal
Probably like you, grieving is not the first thing on your mind. It's not something you think about every day, like what should we have for dinner or what shall I wear today, grieving is something you certainly you don't plan for or study or go Web or channel surfing for. "Hey baby, do you want to go grieving tonight?", is something I'm sure is not heard in common conversation.
When my wife Sheila died, my first thoughts were, how do I go on?, how do I take care of my son?, what do I do now? Like many of you, I looked for advice from family, friends and the old reliable Internet. Some people who have not had to go through grieving would think that people advice is logical and using the Internet for advice quite silly bit when you are in a position of deep loss and are looking for quick answers to fill a deep, dark, void because someone you have loved for a long time has passed away, it seems the thing to do.
Oh yeah, I looked at the steps or phases of grieving on the Internet and tried using it as a checklist. I did the worst that I could ever do, I made the grieving process as impersonal as I could. My process became logical instead of loving.
I did not marry Sheila for logic, I married her out of love. I was very broken and wanted instant relief. Needless to say, for the first six weeks after her death, I struggled. After 6 days of bereavement leave, I went back to work, which really was the first good decision I had made since Sheila's death. I had done my duty as a husband, I had buried my wife and done everything a good "till death do us part"
husband should do. So why after six weeks was I still struggling? It's because my "new normal" (I really hate that term!!) meant I had to make the decisions without spousal help.
Finally, after six weeks, I said, "God, I can't do this any more." To which God said,"My son, I have been waiting for you, I have always been here." That's when my grieving stopped being logical and started to become loving and from being a process to being personal.
The first thing that God directed me to do was to get some counseling. God convinced me that talking out your thoughts and feelings to a "different set of eyes", other than my friends and family is a good idea. I prayed about God sending the "right one" and he sure did.
My counselor was(is) wonderful. She listened as I unloaded myself and cried many a tear. Finally at the end of the first session she said," You define what your grieving process is, you and only you. Whatever your feeling, whenever you feel it is fine. The only boundary is that if you have to medicate and drink yourself to feel better or if thoughts of harming myself came about, that's where the line had to be drawn."
I FELT ABSOLUTELY LIBERATED!! The chains had been broken and I could finally breathe. My grieving had become personal and my life would never be the same. I will always thank God for that moment until the day when I see him face to face.
More as this journey continues.....
Until next time,
Jerry
When my wife Sheila died, my first thoughts were, how do I go on?, how do I take care of my son?, what do I do now? Like many of you, I looked for advice from family, friends and the old reliable Internet. Some people who have not had to go through grieving would think that people advice is logical and using the Internet for advice quite silly bit when you are in a position of deep loss and are looking for quick answers to fill a deep, dark, void because someone you have loved for a long time has passed away, it seems the thing to do.
Oh yeah, I looked at the steps or phases of grieving on the Internet and tried using it as a checklist. I did the worst that I could ever do, I made the grieving process as impersonal as I could. My process became logical instead of loving.
I did not marry Sheila for logic, I married her out of love. I was very broken and wanted instant relief. Needless to say, for the first six weeks after her death, I struggled. After 6 days of bereavement leave, I went back to work, which really was the first good decision I had made since Sheila's death. I had done my duty as a husband, I had buried my wife and done everything a good "till death do us part"
husband should do. So why after six weeks was I still struggling? It's because my "new normal" (I really hate that term!!) meant I had to make the decisions without spousal help.
Finally, after six weeks, I said, "God, I can't do this any more." To which God said,"My son, I have been waiting for you, I have always been here." That's when my grieving stopped being logical and started to become loving and from being a process to being personal.
The first thing that God directed me to do was to get some counseling. God convinced me that talking out your thoughts and feelings to a "different set of eyes", other than my friends and family is a good idea. I prayed about God sending the "right one" and he sure did.
My counselor was(is) wonderful. She listened as I unloaded myself and cried many a tear. Finally at the end of the first session she said," You define what your grieving process is, you and only you. Whatever your feeling, whenever you feel it is fine. The only boundary is that if you have to medicate and drink yourself to feel better or if thoughts of harming myself came about, that's where the line had to be drawn."
I FELT ABSOLUTELY LIBERATED!! The chains had been broken and I could finally breathe. My grieving had become personal and my life would never be the same. I will always thank God for that moment until the day when I see him face to face.
More as this journey continues.....
Until next time,
Jerry
Friday, November 11, 2016
Where Grieving Gets Real....
Welcome to the Where Grieving Gets Real Blog....
My name is Jerry and I'm a grieving Husband. My wife and I were married for 21 years.She died in March 2014 and my life was turned upside down but that story comes later.This is just an intro meant to help others and myself share our experiences of grieving. As we start this journey, I just want to say that no matter the reason you are grieving, my prayers and thoughts go out to you.
Until next time,
Thoughts and prayers,
Jerry
My name is Jerry and I'm a grieving Husband. My wife and I were married for 21 years.She died in March 2014 and my life was turned upside down but that story comes later.This is just an intro meant to help others and myself share our experiences of grieving. As we start this journey, I just want to say that no matter the reason you are grieving, my prayers and thoughts go out to you.
Until next time,
Thoughts and prayers,
Jerry
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