The Missing Person....
The holidays are here and if you are going through your 1st holiday season or your 20th without your loved one, the holidays are still not the same. I remember my first Thanksgiving in 2014 without my beloved Sheila, the empty chair, the empty and hopeless feelings of loneliness that you know won't be satisfied because your loved is no longer with you.
For those of you going through grieving at the holidays for the first time, you don't know how to feel, you don't what to think, you don't even know if you can enjoy the Holidays. I was mostly hurt and angry, I didn't want to be around my family who was having so much fun and me who was so lonely and miserable. "Thanks a lot , God.", I would say sarcastically. I was feeling sorry for myself and to me that was fine and it is perfectly OK.
I know there are people who bounce back quickly and are doing well the first holiday season without their loved one and I get that, but I was not one of them. In a season of joy I was mad at God and as far as I was concerned, justifiably so. My wife and my life, as I knew it, were gone. My joy was gone, My peace was gone. People kept asking me if I was ok and I would honestly tell them NO. The worst part was the feeling of loneliness. I believe that being alone is far worse than feeling lonely. At least when you feel alone, you can find friends and loved ones to take care of that feeling but when you are physically alone and there is nothing that can be done about it, that is even worse.
Then there was the worst gift ever, people telling me that there is a new normal and that I had to accept a "new normal". I do not and did not have to accept anything except the fact that my wife was dead and so was a big part of my life. That first Christmas was not the best either, my teenage son told me he hated his gifts and to send them back, now that really hurts. I was also dating at the time and to say that Christmas was awkward at her parent's house is an understatement. I wan't supposed to be here and I wanted to be with "my Sheila" but instead God put me with a wonderful group of people that I really didn't want to be with. Yes, it took me 4 paragraphs to say that that first Christmas stunk big time.
Christmas was always Sheila's favorite time of year. She always went shopping on Black Friday and the day after Christmas. She wanted to make sure that everyone important in her life had a gift no matter how big or small it was. Sheila was a giver and seeing people smile after she gave them something gave her the biggest and most satisfying joy. It also made me feel good inside.
I wanted the same feelings every Christmas but now that Sheila is gone those feelings are not the same. I miss her dearly and the only real physical connection to her is to visit her at the cemetery.
We always decorate the graves of her and her precious mom and dad every year for Christmas but it is still not the same.
This year, I still miss my wife Sheila dearly but I have a very understanding wife named Robin who is there for me no matter what. I am still longing for those precious Christmas people and memories but I am also making new ones as well. The only way that can happen is with God's love, mercy and grace. Robin's boys, Kellis and Jake have done a great job decorating the house and their excitement for the season has given me such a sweet feeling inside. I'm feeling the love for the past, present and future. Sheila would want me to be happy and I believe me, I am.
So this year my prayer is for all of you going through the missing loved one, empty chair and empty feelings that the death of a loved one brings, that God may fill you up with his love, grace, blessings and mercy, just as he has done for me.
Just Being Real,
Jerry
